Trying to Play God

I haven't been able to write as of late, so excuse me if this post is all over the place. I have been in a funk, and I can't put my finger on it. It usually has something to do with not working out and feeling fat or stress at work or failed friendships. Pathetic, I know, but it is none of those mentioned. 

I am the hamster on the never ending wheel. My mind won't stop thinking. I am the ultimate worry wart, always worried about the usual - bills, family, friends, work etc., but lately I am worried about the future, and what choices I am making now. 

Always say "yes" to the present moment. What could be more futile, more insane, than to create inner resistance to what already is? - Eckhart Tolle

I have huge hopes for my entrepreneur plans in the future. However, lately that has hit a snag. I am still hoping to start a wine bar sometime this fall or next spring. I have been bombarded with doubts from people close to me, which has not helped. Business opinions are valued, but when do you stop listening? It is different than "you shouldn't care what they think," when this has to do with high risk. I know in my gut it would work, but when you discuss a gut feeling with someone about business they laugh at you and reasonable so. 

Recently, I interviewed Kim McPherson and he gave me some great advice. He said, "I can't sit here and think about what might have been if I had stayed in California. You've got to grab the dream and run with it." I can't think about what if I wouldn't have left Ramar, and gone home for five months to get my mind straight, because that was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. I can't wonder what if I was still coaching track, even though I miss sharing my athletes achievements with them. Surprisingly, I miss home. I miss being around my family and working with them, but I love what I am doing here in Lubbock. I wish I could be in two places at the same time. The "what if" game is something that goes round and round in my head. I don't like playing the second-guessing game. 

However, I am having trouble figuring out if I am giving up on my dream (being an ESPN anchor) or if this is what I am suppose to be doing with my life or if my dreams are changing for the better? I don't want to get in the way of the big man upstairs plans. I don't want to force anything, but I am impatient. I know it would be impossible to try to be an entrepreneur and a sports anchor at the same time, mind you I am talking years into the future. I understand I am just 23.

If you are still reading, you have figured out I over analyze everything, and I ramble. I am not one to "go with the flow" very easy.  

If you are depressed you are living in the past.

If you are anxious you are living in the future. (so I guess this is where I stand?)

If you are at peace you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu 

How exactly does one live in the "present?" I pray for answers about my career plan. I try to write down what would work out best. I know my present career is in good standing, which is reassuring, but I think I always have to be on my toes for some reason. (That is where the hamster on the never ending wheel comes in.) We produced a show on the Lubbock May 1970 tornado, and I have made huge strides with producing. I try and go with the everyday flow of things, but I am still looking for answers. Like I said, I don't honestly know what questions I am looking to answer to begin with. In other words, I am confused and a hot mess. Cheers to that! 

I don't know if this would be considered running away from my problems or trying to clear my head, but I want to take a weekend to jump in my truck and drive. Arizona, Colorado, whatever it may be. I have always wanted to travel by myself, seeing I have always wanted to go to Seattle by myself that will not suffice for a quick weekend. It would nice to regroup, if that is even what I need? That is the rambling side of me. I am brainstorming what would help me get out of this funk. Suggestions are welcomed!

It is just a funk, I know I need to leave it in God's hands. I am not in a negative state of mind, or taking things for granted. The funk is just anxiousness, that is what I have deduced since writing this down. Deduced is a fun word, in case that word threw you off while reading. Tis enjoy. The only bad thing about this funk is that the over analyzing as turned into paranoia and questioning my trust, in turn distancing myself from people. I turn off and keep to myself. It is usually weird for me to stop communicating, so I am sure those close to me have already figured out what is going on. haha