Should Have Known Better than to touch the Fire Twice

I really should know better than to touch the fire twice, but I think this time it is different. Yes, all girls say that at one point to justify going through hell and back with the same guy, but you have to be completely done with that chapter in order to leave it alone. 

All women know and can't forget the man that broke her heart as she started early adulthood. Whether it be him not showing up for something important, wrong timing, ending communication or choosing another woman. It never gets easier seeing his face. 

Not saying that we haven't broken a couple hearts, this is most definitely not a feminist post. I am a master at ending communication after one date, because I have already made my mind up. And I typically do not give any explanations as to why it didn't work out. I'm am sorry to any of you reading this, that I have done that to. 

Let me let you into my life for a couple minutes, the old freshman crush is relevant again. I told myself from the get-go that if he came back, I would be successful, smart, numb to him and beautifully independent. Became successful, and I'm working on the other goals. Well he wants to date...given he didn't want to "date" me freshman year, so it did not work out. After being around him, there was absolutely no way I could remain numb. I told myself, "He will pay, and wish he wouldn't have messed up from the beginning." The difference was, I matured, and could not help but care. 

Revenge will get you nowhere, and as ridiculous as it sounds you have to follow your heart. If you don't, then you will regret your decision. Heartbreak is never easy on anyone, but you can learn, grow from it, and become stronger and smarter than before. I through myself in my career and became successful, but I was always missing that someone to share it with. 

I became a more independent person. He and no one else could take that away from me. Even if it takes you a second time, may you find peace in closure and satisfaction knowing the chapter is complete. Try and try again, until you are done or have gotten what you want, and yes what YOU want, be a little selfish this time. The ball is in your court, not his. 

I wrote this in January. Needless to say, it did not work out. Story of my love life. However, I know it is over for good. I would never be his number one, and that is okay because being debated or compared to is not good for the self esteem. Forcing the issue was not helping, but shutting off communication sure did. If you are not someone's number one pick to begin with, it will be nearly impossible to ever become that. 

We dated and tried to become exclusive, whatever that was. I drove miles for him....he did not drive anywhere. That was tough to swallow, knowing you are not worth a two hour drive in his eyes. 

I am glad I did not post this in January, and probably because something told me it would never work, and I think blogging about it will subconsciously hold me accountable to not ever go back. However, what I said earlier in the post remains true. I am glad it took this one last go around to figure that out and come to accept it. I'm not going to bash him, I fell for him for several good reasons. He is handsome, fun to be around and can be kind. I'm not trying to pull a Taylor Swift. 

Being on and off for years with my kryptonite would never work, because I felt like I was always trying to change myself. I lost twenty pounds, became successful, got a cool truck and chilled out because I am naturally on edge for some reason. All the materialistic things us women try to do to impress men. That still did not work, and I feel stupid for thinking it would.  I just thought he would miss me when he saw me. I won't lie, I am a hopeless romantic. 

Now, if he walks into an establishment where I am or we cross paths, I know my heart will beat 100 miles per hour, and I might not be totally prepared to see him when he comes back. But I know I can walk away from him. 

Random question, why do we reach for sad, depressing music or a love story movie when we are going through tough times? Do we just have to infiltrate ourselves with depression? Seriously. It is weird, because I have a day dedicated to sad music and ice cream. The next months are usually followed up with intense workouts and dieting. Not in an unhealthy way or out of revenge, but it can be very beneficial. If we are looking at the bright side of things....

So, yes people I have a love life, it is just always a roller coaster, and I wish I could be serious with someone and that someone would be as crazy about me as I am for them. Until then I have my faith, family and chocolate lab, Ms. Maggie Mae, to keep me company. I promise I will not turn into the crazy dog loving lady in the mean time. haha