I got Called out about my Love Life

Here is the email I received. 

Hi Lauren,
 
I read your post about what you're looking for in a man, and can't help but feel the need to refute some of your points. Don't hate me for it, please!
 
You mentioned a number of issues these overly sensitive men had, along with quotes, and summarized it with the "I, I, I, Me, Me, Me" conclusion. However, wasn't this the whole point of your post? What Lauren expects and wants? 
 
You summary of an ideal man is as unrealistic and cliche as a man who wants Barbie. You want Superman. But then, many women do. Little was said about the personal attributes of these clingy men that caused you to enter relationships with them in the first place. Surely, they must have appealed to you in some way.
 
I write a lot of this because I am an educated, very funny, young, and fairly attractive man, who was married to a beautiful woman (a personal trainer) for many years. I'm going through a lot of soul-searching, but more than that, seeking an exchange of ideas on these things. It seems a lot of people are in love with prototypes, rather than real people. Have you ever considered that what you want, every other woman wants also? Real people are a lot messier.
 
I really do want to understand what you're saying, but I'm having trouble reconciling the inconsistencies... again, please don't hate me for challenging your views. I only ask because I'm seeking an honest exchange of ideas here.... btw, I have been working in radio for over 15 years, on-air, as well as in production, so we share that in common... 
 
Thanks for reading, and I did enjoy reading your blog... you write well!

My thoughts:
 
I appreciate the compliment about my writing! Also, I completely agree with your opinions. I have not held myself accountable or explained why I jumped into these relationships/dates. 

As much as I was talking about how the men I have recently dated have been all about themselves, I was trying to be selfish as well. The sensitivity that I brought up was in regards to how men say, "I don't want the crazy girl," yet, when I didn't express jealousy or anger it almost made him more upset. I kind of get it. I haven't felt crazy about someone in a long time, and that's when I know I truly like someone. I have only lost my mind over two men, that's it. If I really like them, of course I can get jealous easily or worry; however, I was trying to be cool and laid back with the last relationship I was in. I wasn't being honest with myself. 

I saw problems before we made it official, but I was naive and I wanted a relationship more than addressing the problems. That was not fair to him. We should have dated longer. I am extremely independent, and that bothered him. We would have been able to get to know each other more before committing. I thought we could figure it out, luckily I ended it before we blew up at each other, and like mature adults.

The other three individuals I have mentioned lately in my blog posts I have included some of the reasons why it wouldn't work and I owned up to my own faults. The first situation includes two major egos and intense personalities. We butt heads a lot, but always seem to come back to each other. I should just cut that off or make something of it. I have tried before, but I have an attraction with him that is difficult to ignore. Again, look at me, "I,I,I" and I wonder what he thinks about the situation. I have asked, but we do not talk openly and honestly. I am attracted to him because he is very good looking, can make me laugh, is an active person and has a lot of drive. 

The second man I have feelings for have recently developed. We ran track together in high school. We have history. Unfortunately, we met up again right before I moved four hours away and he is saying that is why he is hesitant. I am not one to do long distance, but at this age I feel like it isn't as difficult compared to being a freshman in college. I also have never had a man travel for me. I have traveled for many men, which is my first mistake. I have made it too easy, I try too hard, because I am impatient and I get excited about the possibility, but it has gotten me nowhere. The good things about him is he is respectable, has a great personality and we have a lot in common. I just don't know what he wants and if he would want to make it work. I do know I am not going to force it. 

The third man I tried reconnecting with is an interesting situation. We don't have much in common besides loving football and being active people. The personal attributes I have liked about him was he was nice (before he ditched me at Christmas), very attractive, and we could talk for hours. I felt like he was the first man in awhile who listened to me and who actually cared. I started the downward spiral by telling him we should cool it until he got back on US soil. I have been honest about that. I got scared that I started falling for someone I met via skype. 

My issues:
I nit pick.
I can't let go. 
I like the bad boys. 
(I try to go for the nice guys, but they turn into bad guys.)
I say stupid things.
I force the issue.
I try too hard. 
I make it too easy. 
I like to stay home.
I don't throw myself out there. 
I don't keep my physicality in tip top shape.
(working on that)
I get annoyed. 
I like my space.

Mr. Anonymus, you are right. I would like a Superman, but I don't make that clear to begin with, I make it too easy. Why would I expect a man to drive somewhere for me when I drive everywhere to meet him? Why would I expect a relationship to work when there are problems to begin with? Why would I expect for a man to be crazy about me when I am not crazy about him? Why would I expect for a man to treat me right when I make it too easy for him to walk all over me and then complain about it later? 

Why would I expect for a man to have a physical attraction with me when I don't keep my physicality in tip top shape? I am not trying to sound shallow, but I have to have a physical attraction with someone and I know it works both ways. I am not naive about how I can look better, dress better and when I work out my confidence is stronger. The insecurities slowly disappear. Insecurities are not attractive, ladies and gents. I have had a taste of my own medicine with men I have dated with insecurities that drove me nuts, but that is hypocritical when I have them too. 

These men appealed to me in several ways with their personalities, hobbies, families and friends, their physicality and the way they held themselves. However, the issues as to why these little flings didn't work far out-weigh the appeal. I have allowed myself to be used, to be emotionally exhausted and drained and to be treated like absolutely crap. So yes, I want Superman maybe even more like Batman, because I like that edge. (That is another problem.) ha 

I am not trying to compare new relationships to old ones, but I want to feel the way I felt about my first relationship years ago. I was committed, I was crazy in love and it took years to get over. I want to care for someone like that again. I haven't let myself go (as in barriers down) with someone in a long time. I let my insecurities get in the way. (Is it my weight? Is it my attitude? Is it my personal goals? Do I talk too much about sports?) I am tired of blaming and over analyzing myself. I also can't play the victim when sometimes I set myself up for this.

Again you're right, I want to be selfish. I don't want to settle anymore. I have seen my friends be blessed with amazing boyfriends, and I get jealous that I can't find that, but I have not really set myself up for success. You said, "Have you ever considered that what you want, every other woman wants also? Real people are a lot messier." I understand that, but I have seen it be done. I have seen strong relationships where each person mentally, physically and emotionally supports the other. I am not saying it is perfect, but it is strong, stable and mature. I don't think I am asking for too much, but I need to check myself. 

There are some things I can work on, there always is. But there are issues I am still not going to ride off like drama, jealously, trust, anger, emotional abuse and disrespect. I think it is difficult if a person is hard-wired like this already to try to eventually overcome, that is just my opinion. I am not oblivious. I was in better shape before and I am getting there, for me not for male approval. But I think it has a little to do with it, specifically subsiding my insecurities and feeling more confident. I have also gone out more and met new people. 

I am responsible for my actions and I appreciate you calling me out. I don't ever try to "roast" people on my blog. These men all have great attributes about them and it is difficult for me to let go of hope, because of that. Mind you, I am not sure if they are even interested in me anymore. At the end of the day, I hope to find a realistic batman full of passion, respect, fun and hopefully aspiring to make something more of himself. 

Dudes have Perfect Timing

I'm going to pull a Carrie Bradshaw, so fair warning before you dive into this post. Let's talk guys shall we? The question most women ask themselves when a guy walks back into their lives - why now? Guys have impeccable timing. 

Before I moved to Fort Worth literally in a week's time I had three guys pop back into my life for a brief second. One I have always had an on and off thing with, the other was a friend from high school who use to run track, and the last one is in the military and we had a brief stint last fall. All three of these guys I was pretty interested in again.

A little background on the first guy. He pops in and out of my life every couple times a year. We have had huge arguments, but have always managed to stay in contact somewhat through the years. The only problem we have is he wants one thing out of the relationship and I want another. Our egos collide really bad too. We both are successful and we both want to be the bread winners, but location and career path is not helping us meet in the middle. Recently, we were messaging each other and it seemed like everything was good again, and now four weeks have passed and not a word. This did not surprise me.

Guy numero dos is a funny story. We ran track in high school together. I met him when I was a freshman and he was an eighth grader in another district. He was the fastest male sprinter in our district and I was the fastest female sprinter in our district. The athletic attraction was adorable. We talked for a couple years. I got in a serious relationship with someone else and so did he. Eight years pass and we end up in Lubbock together, and saw each other among mutual friends. Long story short, he comes to my going away party and we tell old stories to our friends about our track days. We reconnected and I felt we had picked up right we left off EIGHT YEARS AGO. It's like a Nicholas Sparks movie, I know it's corny. I move to Fort Worth four days later, and haven't heard from the guy. Also, I am pretty sure he now has a girlfriend or at least someone he is interested in. I don't know if you followed my timeline in this paragraph, but that would be three weeks after we reconnected. 

I don't even know where to start with the third one that hit me up right before I left. Last year, we were introduced while he was overseas. I have never done the military thing, so I gave it a shot. Started falling for the guy via Skype, weird I know, but true. I told him we should chill until he gets back and I can actually meet him face to face. I messed that up. During Christmas, I had the opportunity to meet him when HE invited me out, and then he preceded to flirt with someone else the entire night. That's cool, I'm over that, but I'm not over what I felt for him. According to my emotional reaction, I actually really like the dude. We didn't talk again until a week before I moved to Fort Worth for a total of eight months of silence and NOW he hits me up.... and of course I saw him before I left. He wants to be friends and I said, "I don't think I can do that, but it was fun while it lasted." Trying to act cool and collected. Truth be told, still thinking about the dude, and have heard a little bit from him while here in the metroplex, but nothing to be hopeful about. 

All in all these three dudes were messing with my head for a solid week and then they have seemed to disappear. I know one is because of distance, the other looks to be moving on quickly, and the last one I have no clue about. I am hoping to find a man here in Fort Worth and build a future with him. However, I am not going to deny the fact that I entertained the thought of going back to my past. It is hard not to. They will always hold a special place in my heart and with one I feel that there is unfinished business, which always eats at me. I hope it is not just a physical issue, because I assure you I will be looking damn good come Christmas when I will probably run into them. That's about as confident of a statement I will ever make, so don't mistake that for cockiness, I am just determined. Any who gotta love timing, but I know it all happened for a reason and if they were honestly that interested we would still be communicating....trying to be brutally honest with myself. In other news my love life still sucks and the sky is still blue. Moving on....

Here are some new jams I am really digging lately. Enjoy!